"I Need To Know You're Out There Somewhere...."

well, that didnt go well.
i just recently broke up with the second girl i have ever broken up with...really the 1st because the other didnt count.
she didnt take it so well. i understand why...but at the same time....i dont.
she was attracted to me because of my blog (eh?) and because of my honesty....but yet when i gave her my honesty, she freaked out, and broke off all communications....any social networking site, phone, etc.
and in all honesty, it wasnt the complete truth.
i told her that i didnt really know why i liked her, but yet i went out with her, and thats why i wanted to break up, UNTIL i found a reason (didnt get to that part, and i'm sure she doesnt care). thats half of it. i kinda found a reason to like her....she made me feel better...and sorta with her words...but really with her self esteem. to which i could really say, is lower than mine....and thats low as heck. i have never heard her compliment herself ever, and she can correct me if i'm wrong, but i hope she can say what she said...because i dont remember that happening.
it grew on me after awhile...and actually made conversations bad....besides the fact she didnt speak to me. and no this isnt about how she failed to tell me when stuff bothered her. i only needed to know when the stuff that bothered her was me....which i found out, thanks to tumblr and subliminal messages on twitter and facebook....which is cool for some, not for I. but i'm not gonna force someone to do anything, because if they dont wanna do it, and you make them do it, its worse than them not doing it...if you still follow me. but she didnt speak on the phone, because she she didnt like to talk...which i respect....but its still pretty awkward, especially when you look at your call log with someone, and between about 40 calls between you two, you have called about 33 of them. i dont wanna be a nag...because i hate when women nag me, but i'd like to know someone cares enough to talk...i mean..atleast once every 2 days or soemthing...but whatever...i dont bxtch and moan, so let me stop now.

and as a side comment for, "karma is a bxtch, and you're gonna get yours"...i've already gotten mine...i think i'm straight on that...and wishing something on someone (thats a wish, dontchaknow) is just as bad as doing something bad....so....

anyways....
i'm glad for meaghan....sad for me, glad for her...hope she gets happy real soon....
i really have nothing else to say, maybe after you read this we can talk, and be friends...maybe not....
regardless, i felt it needed to be said....

@>-->--->---

Starring At The Sun....

Today is March 14th, 2010, and I, Fletcher-Santana M Sharpe, am broken. I'm not even going to front. I goofed yesterday. I said something I shouldn't have. I realized some things back.....and none of them were good.
I am obese, slowly....ballooned to 161...which usually poses no real threat because I was 167 at my heaviest...but that was 167 of mostly muscle...back when I was a serious athlete...this is 161...of fat. My shoulders have slumped, meaning they are no longer broad. I have become what I feared athletically: a douche who has tattoos but is out of shape, thus a douche x 2. It might not seem like much to you, the reader....but that's a main blow to my esteem. I feel sluggish....and that's why...can't stop drinking root beer or fast food.
I also realized I am turning into something else I don't want: my mother's child. All women carry grudges...as that is seen as a feminine trait, not just my assumed sexist manner talking, even women tell me that. Men get over things quickly, and women don't. However, I tend to realize....big things don't bother me at all, which is bad...and little things irk the heck outta me...which is even worse. If anyone does any little thing to show me up, I HAVE to get back at them, HAVE to. That happend yesterday. Someone said some rude things to me, to start, instead of doing the right thing, and saying "whatever" and moving on, I couldn't utter "the loser's answer" (that's what my father says whatever is), and I HAD to say something smart alecky back....which resulted in yesterday starting off as awkward as it did for me.
I am realize I am becoming even more of what I used to embrace: an a__hole. I don't have to fill in those two blanks, you know what I said. I used to revel in momments where I could say ANYTHING and just look at people and their dumbfounded and perturbed looks and remarks. I lived for that. I still do....but now it gets to an extreme. Building off my last paragraph, if someone says something to me, I resort to immature tactics, I subliminally talk about someone, whether it be, I text behind their back, tweet something about them on twitter, or make a status about them on facebook. Something that just says "I am talking about you, and I want you to find out on your own" and I'll probably enjoy the look on your face/reaction. I'd be the person who would realize I'm bothering you.....and purposely push you past your boiling point...just to laugh at you and ask "are you upset now?" I relished these things, I loved them, basked in them. But now I don't want anything at all to do with them. I saw the damage it left on one person, but didn't see the damage it left on others, espcially when the person likes to take things and blow them up to the point they are not in proportion anymore...which is something I can't complain about because I'm not talking to the 2nd or 3rd or 4th even person...only to the 1st, and that's not even really talking...more prodding. Its like somewhat of a shotgun effect, mixed with a little of a domino effect too. It hits everyone, but only effects them one at a time. I won't name names, because I'm sure you will tell them I mentioned them anyways, that is if you read this...which aint likely, but then again...you do scan my stuff so...anyways.
Basically this is me admitting to my faults, me pushing away my faults, and then me trying to build good ideals to go with me...just like alchemy.

I don't have anything else to say

@>-->--- DR

Is This Thing On?

*tap tap tap*
So....I don't use this thing anymore....but...I guess I should now....seeing as some people read it a lot more often than I thought. So...that's a preluede. Also to add, this is Lent....and albeit I'm not religious, I am going 40 days with out some things...one of them is swearing....I know right?

Anyways, I'm writing this to say: I didn't do anything to intentionally hurt anyone. I won't use names, but you know that I am talking to you when I say that. Actually you might not because you probably won't even read this, because you'll just shut yourself away from me....which is understandable. I don't hate you.....even if you did think I was a |crude word for a vagina| and probably still do. I shouldn't be mad, there for I'm not. And won't be. Alittle peeved when I asked you if there was anything else for our split, and you just said "seeing you as a friend" was it....I even asked just now and you said that....only in anger do I get the good stuff. I'm a |crude word for a vagina| and clingy as all get off. *nods* ok, I see you. You're probably right. And this isn't in sarcasm, I'm being serious with you for once. And yes I am sorry. You won't believe me. I know you won't, and that's cool. I don't believe in myself often so, I don't expect people to believe me often, but lemme set all of this straight: I didn't cheat on you, I know this. I did think about it. Not gonna lie...I didn't, though.
Here is what happend, I went on a date with a female friend. a platonic date.....I.e. I'm not trying to do anything that would compromise my relationship. We went to see a movie, and then just walked around downtown. She was about to get back on the bus, and she said and I qoute "I want my kiss" so I gave her a hug and a kiss....on the cheek....her responce, as to unexpectedly kiss me on the mouth, hence to why I almost fell off the curb. Did not expect that'....at all. I mean from then on, I wasn't thinking about you....I was enamored with that kiss.....but whatever. So....that's that....and tell sargent "snap-a-|penis|" to stop calling me "fam".....we are not fam, and I don't like wiggers. Sorry, if that sounds rude, but I'll be straight honest with you. Sorry, I realized all of that after we broke up. Anything you say about me is true, I won't deny....except....don't call me a cheater......because I'm not.

For real.....
Oh...and I'm "a f@ggot".....word? For real? ......and I'm immature....good thing I didn't reply to that text...."Fam".....get outta here, white chocolate. Lol

@>-->-->-- Fin

When You're Mad.....Bang It Out....

When You're mad...or just bitter as all hell...like i am....i found out, if you find something loud...maybe its a car alarm...or maybe its a drill, or jackhammer....or music...and just put all the way into your ear...not literally of course...but you get what i mean. it makes you feel better...or just helps you cope....

i found mine...and its called "DubStep" its loud bass music, with techno-ish undertones....pretty much it sounds like something you might find in a futuristic society...
an example :

(Mind you...if you're going to turn it up...put some headphones on...so you dont bother others....)

its almost valentine's day...hence why i am so bitter....these things just dont workout for me...so....basically...fuck em :-/

now im happy for you if you're in a relationship and its a good one....but...please (if you're reading this) please, dont talk to me tomorrow....it will just piss me off even more....

that goes for friends, close friends, family, random people...etc.
dont wish me shit....or anything....

thank you....

@>-->--->-- DR

"Tales from florida"

A poem I wrote :-o

Riding through palm trees,
"Little Bit" by lykke lye in his ears,
Fingers steady stroking the keys
Of his phone telling people to stop their fears.
"No I won't get a tattoo in florida"
I forgot to mention that they're 21 boys and 15 girls behind him,
To which he is 1/15 responsible for, for he is 1 of 15 coaches.
And he is one of the 7 male coaches wondering
"Why is the cheer squad here? They sucked this season".
Bus pulls up the Disney's field, and 21 teal clad youngmen....tattoo covered, and intimidating stares from most of them, step off the bus.
Along with 15 teal and orange loud ladies like "OMG, did you see that?!!?!?" From across the room loud.
Along with the the cheer coaches who I will decline to comment on..."Go Team"
And along with 6 football coaches, all tattooed atleast once, and arguing loud....with "Detroit Dolphins" on their chest.
Followed finally by a quiet kid, who thanked the driver, headphones on ears, with too much hair for the heat, half dreaded with a headband, with a fresh tattoo in his inner arm that the kids called him crazy for because they fail to understand what it means.......
Anyways, the team marches to the field, after a team photo, warms up, and prays
"God, let us win today, and let's us run good plays" (sounds like a bum prayer is if you ask me...but you didn't)
Detroit Dolphins vs The North Long Beach Panthers, with an iconic star player,
Iconic for talent, ironic because he's from detroit....I know right?
They played a hard fought game, and it went to the last play.
Clock rang 0:00 and Dolphins up by 2....
Everyone in teal, orange, and white was in the air like they flew....
Not far in the air...so it was a low budget flight....like an air strike....except that's high budget....anyways....
The cheer team was happy although they didn't place (told you, they sucked)
The cheer coaches actually congradulated the team....for once (still refuse to comment)
The 21 players all did the stanky leg, or jerk, or w/e (too old to keep up)
The 6 coaches all huddled in a picture with the league excs, and smiled wide,
And that weird stoic kid with the hair headband and tattoo, just turned to the bleachers....and weeped alittle bit. Don't know why....you'd have to ask him....
Day after, the team prepared back to Detroit....I realize why he cried....you'd do it too, if you had to bus back here
-fin-

Post..Post Post...

i havent done one of these in forever....i guess i havent been to the "happy" pissed off part of my life in sometime.....

im back at it, like black milk...dag nabbit...i got a term paper to do in about an hour....so i'll be off here soon....just wanted to see something....and i got a nice comment, for a Charles Hamilton song....thanks...whoever that was.....thoughtful of you....

Charles Hamilton, Black Milk...and the sound of keys clacking have been on my sound track....hence why i've been sadder....besides my grades tanking and one school accepting me for a later term....like...in 2 semesters.....wtf is that? anyways....

trying to open up the world (twitter) to the joyous verses of Blu....homie is cold and authentic....

i got a new tattoo! :-)
that gives me 10....
it says Wabi Sabi....means "Beauty Within Imperfection".......
tried to make it my twitter name....no bueno....smh..haha....

i gotta get to this paper...
Tears....

Night And Day.....

well, haven't done this in a while...something must be up, huh?

im packing for New Orleans, taking me a nice little trip to clear my head....
and while i pack for it, i cant help but feel....mad....mad at people....for no reason....
i dont see what good it is to be mad @ people, either....because they do usually let you down.
i mean its human nature right? people are just meant to disappoint other people, right?
people just let you down.....like a broken leg on a stool or something....
im not talking about anyone in particular. thats just it. no one has let me down recently. they have ignored me....but thats not letting someone down...thats just having a life, aint it?

i find myself constantly checking on people who i dont care for....or i know they probably dont really care for me.....i thought i had people...butttt....life hands you cards, and you might think you have the best hand.....and turns out yours is crap. i guess i'll use it like a shield...or something......i dont even know where i am going with this one.

i havent left my house (outside of school or work/practice) in the past 2 or 3 weeks. i know, i am pathetic. i just dont have much of a life anymore. i dont have a car, so i cant drive anywhere, i dont have friends @ a COMMUNITY college, so i wouldnt really have anyone to see. and the one person i might think i wanna see pays no head to me....unless she is bored..with that "you on campus" text? to which i painstakingly reply "you up for some eats?" i am a tough guy exterior with a nice guy demeanor, who acts like he wants to be alone but wants to surrounded with friends....or a girlfriend....a damn shame



^^^^
that song has been on repeat....hate on charles if you want....but this guy is my favorite musical artist. he knows he isnt the best. he parades around like he is...but he knows he isnt. he is the best he can be. he might be an asshole, and someone who is a bit messed up in the head...but arent we all?

i thought i had this girlfriend thing worked out....i would go after 1) 2) or 3)..... one is a black punk rockish....who from what i can tell will not date a black person...or atleast one of my characteristics....another is a white girl who tries to act tooooo black, and has self esteem problems, and treats me like a puppy.....the last is a 23 year old, who has the mind of a 14 year old...and it bothers me. her having a good time is "putting on a pink wig and walking around like they dont know its on".....the one i wouldnt mind is deeply educated, and bleeds the color of corn and ink. another i wanted (as in used to but dont really anymore) bleeds those rival colors and has a painful history of her own...in terms of men...but she isolates herself....and pains her self with her history.....the girl i want for real, is in Ohio....she's white....and acts very black too....and looks alil chubby...but with a sweet face....im a sucker.....

i'm gonna get rid of my facebook again....after this sunday...or monday....maybe till the end of the semester...my grades slipped...i almost failed a paper because i was so trying to find some friends......but i forgot these words "I once was a loser, now im older, still the same loser, thats why i look so different to ya, you see the past, i see the future...." i'm still gonna be a loner...no matter what i do....and i've come to realize that. "your a nice charming man" from a grandparent, or a cousin isnt going to help, espcailly when they tell you that as they hold their boyfriends hand and skip down the street, or as you spend the Xth straight day @ home....because no one wants to MAKE time for you. this isnt supposed to be a downer, if your reading this, like "your just trying to make yourself the victim" i'm not. victims dont try. i do try....and its like i open my mouth for people to just...shit in it.

i mean think about it. if i actually really had the friends that i thought i did, who wanted to try and see me, or something....i wouldnt be going to New Orleans for fun, wouldnt i? its halloween weekend...one of the ones you spend with friends....but instead i'll be in some expensive ass hotel...doing this for 3 days...when im not scouring the streets trying to cover my self in some ink that means only something to me....*shrug*

it just seems like all of this has to happen...like this:
My Social Life dwindles....
My Knee Gives Out....
My Grades Slip....
The Team takes alot of turbulance.....
i started to get out of shape....
i realize i am the failure of the family....

im growing dreads...i dont care what anyone says...im covering myself in ink....i wont live past 45....i know this....i will be single for life.....and im not ok with it...but im coming to grips with it....i might not be ugly, but if your not attractive...what are you?....when you can tell me that FF17@tmo.blackberry.net....email me....or text me...or call me....

i'm Done...
Tears......

"I'm Real! I'm A Real Ass B!tch"

That...That is what i read on this lady's online profile.
she professed how real she was, and how if she didnt liek you, or thought you were being weird, she would let you know, and tell you to f*ck yourself.......so im waiting for that, right? and i figured i'd check if she got what i said.it wasnt bad what i said. saw the message status "Read Deleted". means......she read it...and didnt respond....and deleted it.....yeah...you are real, your real ass trifling b*tch. and im not even saying that in ire, or out of anger. you called yourself that...so shouldnt i be able to as well?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
THIS IS ALL ON AN INTERNET DATING WEBSITE....YES I AM THAT LOW NOW.

i mentioned this girl...female, earlier on here. well i got her name and her number. her name is Celeste. she is a painter/artist. she has a gallery opening, that i will attend. she is real cute. she is in my Death and Dying class.....oh yeah she's 23......what the f*ck....me? every female i go to hit on at this god forsaken school either already has a boyfriend or looks like they are 18-20, and are in their mid 20s. and they say the same thing: "i thought you were 22-24".....man, f*ck this....

Chicago this weekend....will see people clear my head...maybe get a new tattoo....miss a game....well....w/e they wont miss me too much.

w/e, i dont know what the point of this one was, besides sounding mopey.

oh yeah.....i reactivated my Facebook....so....find me on there?

@>--->--- Tears Of Fire

A Whore: A Look Into Online Dating.

I know...2 blog posts within a week or so. i must be disturbed.
i actually turned to drinking to ease stuff...not smart. but....kinda hard to stop now :-/
almost turned to smoking....an oxymoron: "an asthmatic smoking....." you can laugh....i know i did. stopped laughing though.

anyways, i realized that i was moving too fast for myself. so when i do this, i usually try and go back to the way i was before my quick pace. i retrace my steps. i go back to what was before. maybe its back to the music i listened to before. maybe its back to the friends. maybe its even back to the food. maybes its even back to the women. i went all the way back to "Speakerboxxx/The Love Below" to retrace myself. (yeah a long ass time) the friends i had then are already gone. some of which because i dont have a facebook anymore, some because of the frequent new phones. some because i dont care about you after a while. i dont wanna toss names out there, bot one of you goes to Michigan State...well 2 of you do. AHA! and ya'll went to school together. im just gonna end it on that note.

the title is reference to me. as some of you...well none of you know, i have resorted to "Online Dating"...........(thats your period of time to laugh @ me). the last 2 girls i've been after (Rian and Michelle) were met this way. im sorry if i lied and said i met them @ the riverwalk. the only truth in that is Michelle and I's 1st date was @ the riverwalk. yeah,....gotta work on that lying thing. anyways, i see women on there with tits hanging out of there stuff, virtually naked, or a fat lady who would take a picture of her clevage and just her face.....yeah, although your fat, and no one will date you off that site, your a whore. Just Because people are 20x more horny behind their computers then they are in real life, doesnt mean that we wanna see your ole fat self in front of a camera. idk if you do have 38Js, that just means your 38(0) J(umbo). i also see alot of really attractive women on there...and wonder "how could you be single? your gorgeous" i got my taste with that. Her Name was Jacoby. i think i mentioned her before....but i'll go into it again. from Allen Park, cute as heck. for real. great everything...except...awful ass attitude. she called me.

Me: "Hey there"
J: "N*gga is you gay? who says that anymore."
Me: "ok then, what did you do today?"
J: "Shut Up"

and that was the happiest moment of our convo. if you read this Jacoby (if you can read), yes i am airing you out, and i should go in on your fake ass, but i dont have the time, and im sure you dont have the attention span.

anyways, i claimed myself as a whore, because all these women with their nudity bothered me. alot. so i strayed from naked-ish (as in not fully clothed) pictures. but.....temptation and curiosity sunk in. i JUST put up a picture of my naked torso and chest (which is tattoed, and in better shape than most...or just appears so) and within 2 hours, my inbox had 6 messages from people i have never heard from before. i was floored and angered. back when i had a nice message about myself, alot of "lols" and "haha"s, people just raked over me. but when i put forth no BS, and a half nude photo, i am the centerpiece....people anger me. i really dont know what else to say.

oh wait, i have a new music player, feat. Charles Hamilton (boo), Little Brother, Mastodon, and Flying Lotus.

I'm done for now, i have to shower. i got work soon.

*_' <---- Tears Of Fire

Oh The People You'll Meet

I know, I know. I haven't been blogging as much. I've just been trying to live life. Maybe blog later. But just recently, I felt the need to bring a couple things to light.

I don't have a facebook for the momment. No I didn't delete you. If I do, and I know you, you'll know before I do it. I'll tell you. I am "an active tweeter", I let my thoughts be known on there. Its almost like texting with out texting. Its ok. I don't have to feel connected with people to talk to them. Facebook makes that so. Makes you feel like you have to actually connect in a convo. Of course this is all my opinion.

I wish someone would take a picture of me on this park bench, and let me have it. This would be possibly on of the greatest photos I have ever conceieved. For real.

Rian and I broke up (refer down to the picture of me and the tan chick), and michelle won't talk to me (refer to me and white chick). Rian, I'm glad about. Don't have to deal with that headcase anymore. Michelle....idk why she stopped answering my texts...but I wish I could have a reason. I'd feel creepy if I went to her job (Wendy's across the bridge) and said "hey, your phone messed up?"

I stopped following some people on twitter. I'm tired of some people. If you think it might be you, it more than likely is. Then again, if it is you, your too "selff brazened" to care, ....so problem solved.

Going to OCC taught me somethings: community college doesn't mean your dumb or poor. Just might mean you want to start off school well, you need credits, or any assortment.

Michigan people are the most opinionated people out there. If you ride a bike, you have to be poor and not own a car, or you just had a DUI. If you ride the bus, you must be lowe class. This is why I need to leaave her.

I find I am most at peace when I am alone in one area, with people walking by/sitting at a slight distance, and I have my music (and sometimes my note pad). I was tolds its called people watching. "Yeap, Ya Dig!" Says Charles Hamilton (Toy Story)

The title of this blog comes from today and really this week. I met a girl in my most depressing class (Death and Dying), and she's cute. but that has nothing really to do with her. Brittany Bauer has slowely become my best friend. Funny seeing as her ex (and my former friend) told me she hated me. A lot. But whatever, not in high school anymore. Heresay is for faggots. But back to the point. She is pretty cool and pretty cute. Hmmm. Anyways, this little baby looked @ it just stared. Didn't make a noise or anything. Just stared. I don't know what that means. This nice lady walked over to me, and sat down on the bench with me. We spoke for alittle. I was grateful, because I was about to pass out in the chair.

That taught me that not everyone is just too busy to say hello. And kinda made me smile for today.

But my ride is here, so I'm off.

"Tears Of Fire"

Proof of Living Fire.....

"Existence is struggle, resistance is futile" - Vast Aire, Cannibal Ox "Scream Phoenix" off of "The Cold Vein"

Sad truth, out of a sound lyric huh? Bad gets awful, and awful get horrid. Horrid gets terrible, and that just leads to hell, ya know? Hell aint fun, I haven't been there personally, but just judging off my personal downfalls, and knowing that hell is like x166396356853923 worse, doesn't make me feel that much better. Not at all. But "C'est La Vie" I deserve it. I'm a d*ck head. And I won't hide it. I wear my emotions on my sleeve.......when I wear sleeves, otherwise its just on my bicep......close enough. Ha.....

".....giving the popsicle to criticis and hospitable women, see I could use that as a diss, or use that as a gift, that comes after a kiss" -Tanya Morgan, "So Damn Down" off of "Brooklynatti"

Most of what I say might seem like I'm trying to just ho your life, and that I am unfriendly. Some people, yes you caught me, I hate that ass, and I want to ho your life. But to others, that's my terms of endearment. If I give you a demeaning nickname (I.e. "Kuffie Hat/Head Boy" = Stennett) obviously, I must like you (in his case as in most, its platonic) enough to take time out of my day to think of a name for your ass. That is unless, your just a b*tch. Then you just get a mean ass name, like Timme's "Lumber Jack" for her deeper voice, Jesse/Jeiszee's "Snorlax" for her larger appearance and her lapses of sleep, and her friend Kiara who is "The Goblin, The Green Goblin, Ogre, etc." just anything with a monsterous face, because that b*tch is hit like a ball on a T-Ball stand. Ugh. I pull no punches, nope, I light into like a cigarette, and pull on ya hair like a bad barette (sp)

I have a crush on a chaldean......lol, I feel I should end it on that note. And I will

"i'm the early bird in the tree, your another worm, he's so cold, he could freeze in a ton of fur" Mikey Rocks, "Oscar The Grouch" off of "Cool ass Ninjas"

Outtie5000

P.s.
<3 ya, miss Ismith.....lmfao....but really though....lol

for what its worth

for what its worth, i've realized a lot about myself.
i realized i give 90% of myself but expect 110% from others.
thats wrong.

i also realized i see the best out of people, until i hear something about them...then i dont expect anything out of them anymore. example: a friend i met through a short person, who had similar interest as myself: tattoos, music, and some girls. i actually sorta liked the person he dated (hindsight makes me say sorta...never really liked you, India) but after i heard about stuff he did constantly behind that females back...i felt awful when i spoke of him as my friend, or even as someone i know. i started to hate his ass. just ugh like "n*gga, how can you say something and then do the opposite? you lying sack of sh*t". but he was cool with me...so..i just ate it and dealt with it accordingly. low and behold, im not even friends with the chick, who he did wrong, anymore, so i feel bad that i hated that dude, esp because sometimes i think she deserved it ("you get burned by fire more than once, you deserve to burn" - Michael Sharpe....my father is a cruel man), but that dude is no where to be found. no more random wall posts on FB, no more random twitter tweets, no more random tattoo messages...just ceased to be in contact with "I". i'm kinda stunned about it, but...to each his own i guess.

i also learned i make too many promises with people who dont mean much to me. case in point: i'm supposed to be going to a grad party today....but i dont really know the kid that well, and from i have heard (from my "sister") he isnt a real person i need to talk to. especially because all those women who will be there who i dont need to see, the green goblin (hit up looking chick), snorlax (fat ole chick), the lumber jack, (deep voiced broad) and Diddy Kong (she looks like diddy kong...sorry)...although the last one and i have become friends....so i do feel kinda bad saying that.

i also realized i have a hard time letting go of people. but when i do....they are gone. example: India (i know your going to read this eventually...but whatever) i had a hard time letting go of her as a friend....and when i thought i liked her..it was even worse....but then i realized...i didnt...and that she didnt even like me as a friend near the end....then it became hard for me to hold on to that. another: Marty Watson. for some reason i love those that torment me. even the ones i know i cant get....kinda like when your playing a video game...and you see the extra bonus hidden behind these fans...that you cant get through...but you insist on running through them....getting hacked to pieces in the process. her friends hate me...all of them. and 2 of them arent shy about it either...f*ck them though. ones a cripple, and the other just isnt pretty. but she doesnt think they will approve of that "union"..also she thinks relationships ruin friendships...they dont unless you let them. but...she wont see me like that....but im not going to stop no matter how much i have convinced myself i will...

i had a dream a couple days back that i killed myself on accident...and everything got better for everyone else.....i had a friend who might read this, rehabilitate and become a bomb ass (good) track runner, i had a friend who is smart as hell, go on to win a bunch of awards for exhibting many different talents in class, i had this "sister" of mine who went on to be great in modeling, and become very successful...and it depressed me, only because i wasnt able to actually witness all of this...because i had died from sustaining a wound to my head and abdomin while in a hot tub...and just sat there, because i dont believe in patching up cuts....still wont, so thats a possible ending for "I"

i'm depressed, if you couldnt tell....but whatever..."c'est la vie" as the french say....life goes on....

F*Ck this

forget my last post entirely.
yes, i am livid
im sorry, but im sure i have a right to be.
just because i am understanding, doesnt mean i have to be happy with it; f*ck this.
just because it has a hole doesnt mean you can f*ck it.
and no, its done. theres no option to pick up where you left off, after your choice. im not dating you ever again. you made me think i had someone....
i dont believe in that "if you let it go, and it comes back" if you have to leave something, obviously it wasnt for you to begin with. there isnt that "lets pick back up", no just...dont touch me. ever.
cant believe i got all happy about this too.
and i hope you do feel like crap...actually i hope you feel like worse, because i dont want to feel the same as you. ugh.

anyways, i mad $191.61 today. Coinstarring n*ggaz, and im proud of it. too bad its gonna be like 20 dollars after i cover my bank over draft AND my xbox subscription fee. *sigh*.....smh, im so bad with money *shows arms and chest* guess no tattoo for me.

i'm skipping work tomorrow....if i have to go...i just...dont wanna be a d*ck to the kids..im not in it today..and wont be in the heat and bugs :-/ and with all that fundraising...smh...

i am so stressed....idk if i want this anymore...
this has easily been the worst summer of my 19 years.
my family is a wreck...and like the Uniter States, i see why everyone acts like they like us, then hoes us behind our backs....my mother's side is super paranoid, and my father's side is plain crazy...and i'm def caught inbetween that sh*t, and its most defiantly a good mix. not @ all.

if i had a dime for every thing that has gone wrong this summer, and took a dollar away for everything good that happend.....i would be a rich ass dude, CLEARLY in the green. :-/...even the girls who might date me, pull back in fear....certified...i'm an ugly n*gga....no, an ugly african american male (sorry, Meaghan)

i'm outtie, though...im tired...and my grandmother came down to bitch about me only being allowed to sleep until 9am, then i gotta be awak the rest of the day....gay, right?

S.P.

:-D

I'm happy.
I throughly enjoyed myself last night. I think I have a great girlfriend, and that's not me being cakey. That's me being honest.
Got the cakes? Oh yeah check that too. Lmao

On a side note, I saw Bruno. Now, I love Sasha Baron Cohen, but that was gay as hell. And I don't mean that as in stupid, I mean it as in homosexual. As in, penises swinging around and anal toys. Like.....omg *retches* I mean it was funny, but....just...omg ew. *retches again*

On another note, I hate chaldean men. All of them....except for like 3. Really. Sorry. I hate all chaldean women....except for Amy Asmar....I <3 her, throughly. :-)...but that's it. Ya'll triffling as hell, and fake. Stop acting black, ya'll not hood. Caught between acting black, and acting super white. Ugh. (I'll explain this tomorrow)

Anyways.....
That's all I really had to say on this one.

(>ScreamPhoenix<)

Let's carry on into the light...

So, I am no longer single. I know I am as shocked as you are. And i'm only telling a couple people (like Constance, Meaghan, and some other women) because other people (like Stennett-esqe friends) would make fun of I. And I already catch enough from her, haha.

I found some new music. Fifa08, the video game has some banging songs. Not like super rap, but good enough that would make you hum, and bob your head. "The Core" by the Babamars is an example of one. Nice mellow song, progressive beat. Might have to move it to Drew Prince to get chopped and screwed. Lol.

I stand to receive about 600$ real soon. I think I know what to do with it.....BANK! Lol. Maybe one tat. But BANK!!!!. :-) idk if me and dino are like friends anymore, because I don't get anymore random outbursts from him, buttttt I should let him know that he prob will win our tattoo war. I'm burning out, lol.

I'm happy, I think. Or until I realized I forgot something. Like driving with out my wallet/ID and blowing out a tire. Hmm....well, i'm off the see this/these movies.

)>ScreamPhoenix<(

When you work on....

When you work on making yourself pretty, you make yourself really ugly. I know someone so starved for limelight that they will reach out to any and everyone just to get it. It looks bad. But I won't ditch ya because of it because I love ya, and that scares me when I say that. Ha.....

The mixtape is stalling. Rob and I still need to find time to record. I need to find more time to write, and ball up so I don't laugh as i'm recording. Then we gotta get Cullen and who ever else wants to help to come over and lay down some verse, ya know? So we can get this lifted like John legend. Drew Prince is working magic on the beats and I appreciate it, mucho. Ya'll should check out his draft tape "The Progress Report". Its on Z-Share, and everything.

I had a date yesterday.....it went well. Her name is Rian. She is really pretty. Not overwhelmingly pretty, but just enough to where I don't look @ her and feel bad that she got stuck with me. And most importantly, she is nice as heck. And gentile. Got another date Friday too. *cash register*

I got class in a few, so lemme cut this short....like stennett (lol)

Outtie5000

Lololololol

Ok, I lied I'm back. I lied. I missed this sh*t. Lol. But its gonna be differnt. Much differnt. Hahah, but i'm back. Bout to make ya'll n*ggas SCREAM PHOENIX!!! ONE!!

Outtie500...1.