for what its worth, i've realized a lot about myself.
i realized i give 90% of myself but expect 110% from others.
i also realized i see the best out of people, until i hear something about them...then i dont expect anything out of them anymore. example: a friend i met through a short person, who had similar interest as myself: tattoos, music, and some girls. i actually sorta liked the person he dated (hindsight makes me say sorta...never really liked you, India) but after i heard about stuff he did constantly behind that females back...i felt awful when i spoke of him as my friend, or even as someone i know. i started to hate his ass. just ugh like "n*gga, how can you say something and then do the opposite? you lying sack of sh*t". but he was cool with me...so..i just ate it and dealt with it accordingly. low and behold, im not even friends with the chick, who he did wrong, anymore, so i feel bad that i hated that dude, esp because sometimes i think she deserved it ("you get burned by fire more than once, you deserve to burn" - Michael Sharpe....my father is a cruel man), but that dude is no where to be found. no more random wall posts on FB, no more random twitter tweets, no more random tattoo messages...just ceased to be in contact with "I". i'm kinda stunned about it, but...to each his own i guess.
i also learned i make too many promises with people who dont mean much to me. case in point: i'm supposed to be going to a grad party today....but i dont really know the kid that well, and from i have heard (from my "sister") he isnt a real person i need to talk to. especially because all those women who will be there who i dont need to see, the green goblin (hit up looking chick), snorlax (fat ole chick), the lumber jack, (deep voiced broad) and Diddy Kong (she looks like diddy kong...sorry)...although the last one and i have become friends....so i do feel kinda bad saying that.
i also realized i have a hard time letting go of people. but when i do....they are gone. example: India (i know your going to read this eventually...but whatever) i had a hard time letting go of her as a friend....and when i thought i liked her..it was even worse....but then i realized...i didnt...and that she didnt even like me as a friend near the end....then it became hard for me to hold on to that. another: Marty Watson. for some reason i love those that torment me. even the ones i know i cant get....kinda like when your playing a video game...and you see the extra bonus hidden behind these fans...that you cant get through...but you insist on running through them....getting hacked to pieces in the process. her friends hate me...all of them. and 2 of them arent shy about it either...f*ck them though. ones a cripple, and the other just isnt pretty. but she doesnt think they will approve of that "union"..also she thinks relationships ruin friendships...they dont unless you let them. but...she wont see me like that....but im not going to stop no matter how much i have convinced myself i will...
i had a dream a couple days back that i killed myself on accident...and everything got better for everyone else.....i had a friend who might read this, rehabilitate and become a bomb ass (good) track runner, i had a friend who is smart as hell, go on to win a bunch of awards for exhibting many different talents in class, i had this "sister" of mine who went on to be great in modeling, and become very successful...and it depressed me, only because i wasnt able to actually witness all of this...because i had died from sustaining a wound to my head and abdomin while in a hot tub...and just sat there, because i dont believe in patching up cuts....still wont, so thats a possible ending for "I"
i'm depressed, if you couldnt tell....but whatever..."c'est la vie" as the french say....life goes on....