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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

"I Need To Know You're Out There Somewhere...."

well, that didnt go well.
i just recently broke up with the second girl i have ever broken up with...really the 1st because the other didnt count.
she didnt take it so well. i understand why...but at the same time....i dont.
she was attracted to me because of my blog (eh?) and because of my honesty....but yet when i gave her my honesty, she freaked out, and broke off all communications....any social networking site, phone, etc.
and in all honesty, it wasnt the complete truth.
i told her that i didnt really know why i liked her, but yet i went out with her, and thats why i wanted to break up, UNTIL i found a reason (didnt get to that part, and i'm sure she doesnt care). thats half of it. i kinda found a reason to like her....she made me feel better...and sorta with her words...but really with her self esteem. to which i could really say, is lower than mine....and thats low as heck. i have never heard her compliment herself ever, and she can correct me if i'm wrong, but i hope she can say what she said...because i dont remember that happening.
it grew on me after awhile...and actually made conversations bad....besides the fact she didnt speak to me. and no this isnt about how she failed to tell me when stuff bothered her. i only needed to know when the stuff that bothered her was me....which i found out, thanks to tumblr and subliminal messages on twitter and facebook....which is cool for some, not for I. but i'm not gonna force someone to do anything, because if they dont wanna do it, and you make them do it, its worse than them not doing it...if you still follow me. but she didnt speak on the phone, because she she didnt like to talk...which i respect....but its still pretty awkward, especially when you look at your call log with someone, and between about 40 calls between you two, you have called about 33 of them. i dont wanna be a nag...because i hate when women nag me, but i'd like to know someone cares enough to talk...i mean..atleast once every 2 days or soemthing...but whatever...i dont bxtch and moan, so let me stop now.

and as a side comment for, "karma is a bxtch, and you're gonna get yours"...i've already gotten mine...i think i'm straight on that...and wishing something on someone (thats a wish, dontchaknow) is just as bad as doing something

i'm glad for meaghan....sad for me, glad for her...hope she gets happy real soon....
i really have nothing else to say, maybe after you read this we can talk, and be friends...maybe not....
regardless, i felt it needed to be said....


Sunday, March 14, 2010

Starring At The Sun....

Today is March 14th, 2010, and I, Fletcher-Santana M Sharpe, am broken. I'm not even going to front. I goofed yesterday. I said something I shouldn't have. I realized some things back.....and none of them were good.
I am obese, slowly....ballooned to 161...which usually poses no real threat because I was 167 at my heaviest...but that was 167 of mostly muscle...back when I was a serious athlete...this is 161...of fat. My shoulders have slumped, meaning they are no longer broad. I have become what I feared athletically: a douche who has tattoos but is out of shape, thus a douche x 2. It might not seem like much to you, the reader....but that's a main blow to my esteem. I feel sluggish....and that's why...can't stop drinking root beer or fast food.
I also realized I am turning into something else I don't want: my mother's child. All women carry that is seen as a feminine trait, not just my assumed sexist manner talking, even women tell me that. Men get over things quickly, and women don't. However, I tend to realize....big things don't bother me at all, which is bad...and little things irk the heck outta me...which is even worse. If anyone does any little thing to show me up, I HAVE to get back at them, HAVE to. That happend yesterday. Someone said some rude things to me, to start, instead of doing the right thing, and saying "whatever" and moving on, I couldn't utter "the loser's answer" (that's what my father says whatever is), and I HAD to say something smart alecky back....which resulted in yesterday starting off as awkward as it did for me.
I am realize I am becoming even more of what I used to embrace: an a__hole. I don't have to fill in those two blanks, you know what I said. I used to revel in momments where I could say ANYTHING and just look at people and their dumbfounded and perturbed looks and remarks. I lived for that. I still do....but now it gets to an extreme. Building off my last paragraph, if someone says something to me, I resort to immature tactics, I subliminally talk about someone, whether it be, I text behind their back, tweet something about them on twitter, or make a status about them on facebook. Something that just says "I am talking about you, and I want you to find out on your own" and I'll probably enjoy the look on your face/reaction. I'd be the person who would realize I'm bothering you.....and purposely push you past your boiling point...just to laugh at you and ask "are you upset now?" I relished these things, I loved them, basked in them. But now I don't want anything at all to do with them. I saw the damage it left on one person, but didn't see the damage it left on others, espcially when the person likes to take things and blow them up to the point they are not in proportion anymore...which is something I can't complain about because I'm not talking to the 2nd or 3rd or 4th even person...only to the 1st, and that's not even really talking...more prodding. Its like somewhat of a shotgun effect, mixed with a little of a domino effect too. It hits everyone, but only effects them one at a time. I won't name names, because I'm sure you will tell them I mentioned them anyways, that is if you read this...which aint likely, but then do scan my stuff so...anyways.
Basically this is me admitting to my faults, me pushing away my faults, and then me trying to build good ideals to go with me...just like alchemy.

I don't have anything else to say

@>-->--- DR