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Sunday, March 14, 2010

Starring At The Sun....

Today is March 14th, 2010, and I, Fletcher-Santana M Sharpe, am broken. I'm not even going to front. I goofed yesterday. I said something I shouldn't have. I realized some things back.....and none of them were good.
I am obese, slowly....ballooned to 161...which usually poses no real threat because I was 167 at my heaviest...but that was 167 of mostly muscle...back when I was a serious athlete...this is 161...of fat. My shoulders have slumped, meaning they are no longer broad. I have become what I feared athletically: a douche who has tattoos but is out of shape, thus a douche x 2. It might not seem like much to you, the reader....but that's a main blow to my esteem. I feel sluggish....and that's why...can't stop drinking root beer or fast food.
I also realized I am turning into something else I don't want: my mother's child. All women carry that is seen as a feminine trait, not just my assumed sexist manner talking, even women tell me that. Men get over things quickly, and women don't. However, I tend to realize....big things don't bother me at all, which is bad...and little things irk the heck outta me...which is even worse. If anyone does any little thing to show me up, I HAVE to get back at them, HAVE to. That happend yesterday. Someone said some rude things to me, to start, instead of doing the right thing, and saying "whatever" and moving on, I couldn't utter "the loser's answer" (that's what my father says whatever is), and I HAD to say something smart alecky back....which resulted in yesterday starting off as awkward as it did for me.
I am realize I am becoming even more of what I used to embrace: an a__hole. I don't have to fill in those two blanks, you know what I said. I used to revel in momments where I could say ANYTHING and just look at people and their dumbfounded and perturbed looks and remarks. I lived for that. I still do....but now it gets to an extreme. Building off my last paragraph, if someone says something to me, I resort to immature tactics, I subliminally talk about someone, whether it be, I text behind their back, tweet something about them on twitter, or make a status about them on facebook. Something that just says "I am talking about you, and I want you to find out on your own" and I'll probably enjoy the look on your face/reaction. I'd be the person who would realize I'm bothering you.....and purposely push you past your boiling point...just to laugh at you and ask "are you upset now?" I relished these things, I loved them, basked in them. But now I don't want anything at all to do with them. I saw the damage it left on one person, but didn't see the damage it left on others, espcially when the person likes to take things and blow them up to the point they are not in proportion anymore...which is something I can't complain about because I'm not talking to the 2nd or 3rd or 4th even person...only to the 1st, and that's not even really talking...more prodding. Its like somewhat of a shotgun effect, mixed with a little of a domino effect too. It hits everyone, but only effects them one at a time. I won't name names, because I'm sure you will tell them I mentioned them anyways, that is if you read this...which aint likely, but then do scan my stuff so...anyways.
Basically this is me admitting to my faults, me pushing away my faults, and then me trying to build good ideals to go with me...just like alchemy.

I don't have anything else to say

@>-->--- DR

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