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Sunday, May 31, 2009

I Saddend Myself

actually, i more along the lines hurt myself, which makes me sad...which is the same thing.
i wish i didnt have these morals.
that "i cant have intercourse with a girl unless i date her", and if i dont go by it, i feel awful. sure i act like "hell yeah, i got all up in that" but really.....i feel like crap. because really that means i had no feelings for her...but i had feelings for her vagina.....well...technically...i did have a feeling...but that was in it...but whatever.

i also wish i didnt have that thing where "i cant date you because i know and have befriend-ed your ex and i respect him". man.....those are the best girls. all of them. those ones that i respect someone else which keeps me away from them....and it makes it really awkward to talk to them now. especially this latest one. thats why i was hesitant to say hello to

"sometimes the only way around it, is to cry it out" - A Friend.
i hate that phrase. so much. because crying is for hoes. real talk. i can understand crying because you lost a big game. or crying because you lost your family. but crying because you dont understand something? no...not at all. but low and behold....
2 days before and yesterday...what was i my definition, i was "acting like a ho" for most of the day. but i know why now.

"The weight of the world
And the hurt and the dirt
Can make you disturbed
But I heard, but I heard
When I wrap my arms around you
Every mistake we made crumbles
When I wrap my arms around you
Everything echoes a new song " - Sondre Lerche

i miss love....alot...i miss being loved. i miss loving someone. i miss being envied by the people in the crowd. i miss the "Get A Room, Ya Saps!!!" i would attract, due to our PDAs. i miss that. and i cant find it. f*Ck all this "let love you" because it isnt coming. and it annoys me. people mistake my overbearing care for annoyingness. i guess maybe....Jokes on me....and Life Was Telling Me A Joke...yeah a Joke.

*slaps himself*

Whatever.....I cant stop the Rain.....and i really dont know...if i want too anymore.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

I'm Back.

I took alittle bit of a hiatus to find myself. I did find myself...and then I lost myself. Just awful. I did find something out today. I'm a liar, and hypocrite. I have a tattoo on my right arm that reads "The Highminded man must care more for the Truth, than for what people think" which means "don't lie". I lie about things. Very simple things "what school do you go to?" "are you doing all you can to better yourself?" "do you contribute to your family's wellbeing?" etc. I am not going to lie anymore. Not going to. I can't. I realized that I could lie to someone, and they could 1) fall in love with my fake self, and hate my real self or 2) they could die and then I would have not told them the truth about myself, thus them not knowing the real me. And I'm affraid of that. It might seem real selfish but, just think about it: would you want the girl/guy you secretly love to die (or you die) before they really know how much you really feel about them. I know, that might not seem on point to you, but it is.

For starters, I'm sorry to my family. Even the ones that don't deserve it. I'm espcially sorry to the ones who I hurt who are there for me, like my grandmother. I love her to death, and I will probably smother myself when she dies. She means that much to me. I'm sorry to my father too. I'm sorry I'm a f*ck up. Very sorry. I'm sorry I didn't get into a 4 year institute, and am just a hole in your pocket.

I am: Fletcher Sharpe. I attend Oakland community college. I am a 19 year old, contimplating quiting school, and chasing a false dream of track and field glory while putting in little to none of the work. I am (in a short word) a fraud. I weave a mess of lies around myself to make people think something about me that isn't true. A false sense of people liking me.....or not liking me. Most people who dislike me, dislike the false me. Not the real me. If you knew the real me, you would probably just be normal. I act like I don't care if you care, but I do. I act tougher.....because when I don't know what to say I have to act like a hardass. I hate it but I built up this wall so that no one will question me.

So, since I'm being honest, I felt the need to get this off my chest, I say I like a lot of girls, but I don't. really in my book
, its a few. More than you'd expect, but still. This is my list of girls I am (still slightly/moderately/very much so) attracted to. I won't describe why, you can ask me that, when you want...if you want): India S, Melissa Cole, Artina T, Meilani W (shocker), Olivia Klien (real shocker), Rachael Peck (albiet, she's now a lesbian) Amanda F, and Marty Watson (although she kinda broke my <3). Her friend Deanna is someone I'd like to get to know, too.

Ok, I know some of you are only reading this, so you can find out what my new tat is (Artina). Its gonna be a heart on my arm, like a forearm tat. And it would be a heart. And the middle would be the definition of "Family", while the perimiter would be family in different languages. (English, Tagalog<which is Filipino>, Belgium, French, Hungarian, Italian, Japanese, Chinese, and Spanish. Below is a diagram of what it might look like. Give me another language that you think would be better if you have good advice for me.

But, I'm done. So I'll talk to ya, abit later. Thanks if you read this. <3 you, really.

HOB up,