Wednesday, March 31, 2010
i just recently broke up with the second girl i have ever broken up with...really the 1st because the other didnt count.
she didnt take it so well. i understand why...but at the same time....i dont.
she was attracted to me because of my blog (eh?) and because of my honesty....but yet when i gave her my honesty, she freaked out, and broke off all communications....any social networking site, phone, etc.
and in all honesty, it wasnt the complete truth.
i told her that i didnt really know why i liked her, but yet i went out with her, and thats why i wanted to break up, UNTIL i found a reason (didnt get to that part, and i'm sure she doesnt care). thats half of it. i kinda found a reason to like her....she made me feel better...and sorta with her words...but really with her self esteem. to which i could really say, is lower than mine....and thats low as heck. i have never heard her compliment herself ever, and she can correct me if i'm wrong, but i hope she can say what she said...because i dont remember that happening.
it grew on me after awhile...and actually made conversations bad....besides the fact she didnt speak to me. and no this isnt about how she failed to tell me when stuff bothered her. i only needed to know when the stuff that bothered her was me....which i found out, thanks to tumblr and subliminal messages on twitter and facebook....which is cool for some, not for I. but i'm not gonna force someone to do anything, because if they dont wanna do it, and you make them do it, its worse than them not doing it...if you still follow me. but she didnt speak on the phone, because she she didnt like to talk...which i respect....but its still pretty awkward, especially when you look at your call log with someone, and between about 40 calls between you two, you have called about 33 of them. i dont wanna be a nag...because i hate when women nag me, but i'd like to know someone cares enough to talk...i mean..atleast once every 2 days or soemthing...but whatever...i dont bxtch and moan, so let me stop now.
and as a side comment for, "karma is a bxtch, and you're gonna get yours"...i've already gotten mine...i think i'm straight on that...and wishing something on someone (thats a wish, dontchaknow) is just as bad as doing something bad....so....
i'm glad for meaghan....sad for me, glad for her...hope she gets happy real soon....
i really have nothing else to say, maybe after you read this we can talk, and be friends...maybe not....
regardless, i felt it needed to be said....
Sunday, March 14, 2010
I am obese, slowly....ballooned to 161...which usually poses no real threat because I was 167 at my heaviest...but that was 167 of mostly muscle...back when I was a serious athlete...this is 161...of fat. My shoulders have slumped, meaning they are no longer broad. I have become what I feared athletically: a douche who has tattoos but is out of shape, thus a douche x 2. It might not seem like much to you, the reader....but that's a main blow to my esteem. I feel sluggish....and that's why...can't stop drinking root beer or fast food.
I also realized I am turning into something else I don't want: my mother's child. All women carry grudges...as that is seen as a feminine trait, not just my assumed sexist manner talking, even women tell me that. Men get over things quickly, and women don't. However, I tend to realize....big things don't bother me at all, which is bad...and little things irk the heck outta me...which is even worse. If anyone does any little thing to show me up, I HAVE to get back at them, HAVE to. That happend yesterday. Someone said some rude things to me, to start, instead of doing the right thing, and saying "whatever" and moving on, I couldn't utter "the loser's answer" (that's what my father says whatever is), and I HAD to say something smart alecky back....which resulted in yesterday starting off as awkward as it did for me.
I am realize I am becoming even more of what I used to embrace: an a__hole. I don't have to fill in those two blanks, you know what I said. I used to revel in momments where I could say ANYTHING and just look at people and their dumbfounded and perturbed looks and remarks. I lived for that. I still do....but now it gets to an extreme. Building off my last paragraph, if someone says something to me, I resort to immature tactics, I subliminally talk about someone, whether it be, I text behind their back, tweet something about them on twitter, or make a status about them on facebook. Something that just says "I am talking about you, and I want you to find out on your own" and I'll probably enjoy the look on your face/reaction. I'd be the person who would realize I'm bothering you.....and purposely push you past your boiling point...just to laugh at you and ask "are you upset now?" I relished these things, I loved them, basked in them. But now I don't want anything at all to do with them. I saw the damage it left on one person, but didn't see the damage it left on others, espcially when the person likes to take things and blow them up to the point they are not in proportion anymore...which is something I can't complain about because I'm not talking to the 2nd or 3rd or 4th even person...only to the 1st, and that's not even really talking...more prodding. Its like somewhat of a shotgun effect, mixed with a little of a domino effect too. It hits everyone, but only effects them one at a time. I won't name names, because I'm sure you will tell them I mentioned them anyways, that is if you read this...which aint likely, but then again...you do scan my stuff so...anyways.
Basically this is me admitting to my faults, me pushing away my faults, and then me trying to build good ideals to go with me...just like alchemy.
I don't have anything else to say
Friday, February 19, 2010
So....I don't use this thing anymore....but...I guess I should now....seeing as some people read it a lot more often than I thought. So...that's a preluede. Also to add, this is Lent....and albeit I'm not religious, I am going 40 days with out some things...one of them is swearing....I know right?
Anyways, I'm writing this to say: I didn't do anything to intentionally hurt anyone. I won't use names, but you know that I am talking to you when I say that. Actually you might not because you probably won't even read this, because you'll just shut yourself away from me....which is understandable. I don't hate you.....even if you did think I was a |crude word for a vagina| and probably still do. I shouldn't be mad, there for I'm not. And won't be. Alittle peeved when I asked you if there was anything else for our split, and you just said "seeing you as a friend" was it....I even asked just now and you said that....only in anger do I get the good stuff. I'm a |crude word for a vagina| and clingy as all get off. *nods* ok, I see you. You're probably right. And this isn't in sarcasm, I'm being serious with you for once. And yes I am sorry. You won't believe me. I know you won't, and that's cool. I don't believe in myself often so, I don't expect people to believe me often, but lemme set all of this straight: I didn't cheat on you, I know this. I did think about it. Not gonna lie...I didn't, though.
Here is what happend, I went on a date with a female friend. a platonic date.....I.e. I'm not trying to do anything that would compromise my relationship. We went to see a movie, and then just walked around downtown. She was about to get back on the bus, and she said and I qoute "I want my kiss" so I gave her a hug and a kiss....on the cheek....her responce, as to unexpectedly kiss me on the mouth, hence to why I almost fell off the curb. Did not expect that'....at all. I mean from then on, I wasn't thinking about you....I was enamored with that kiss.....but whatever. So....that's that....and tell sargent "snap-a-|penis|" to stop calling me "fam".....we are not fam, and I don't like wiggers. Sorry, if that sounds rude, but I'll be straight honest with you. Sorry, I realized all of that after we broke up. Anything you say about me is true, I won't deny....except....don't call me a cheater......because I'm not.
Oh...and I'm "a f@ggot".....word? For real? ......and I'm immature....good thing I didn't reply to that text...."Fam".....get outta here, white chocolate. Lol
Saturday, February 13, 2010
i found mine...and its called "DubStep" its loud bass music, with techno-ish undertones....pretty much it sounds like something you might find in a futuristic society...
an example :
(Mind you...if you're going to turn it up...put some headphones on...so you dont bother others....)
its almost valentine's day...hence why i am so bitter....these things just dont workout for me...so....basically...fuck em :-/
now im happy for you if you're in a relationship and its a good one....but...please (if you're reading this) please, dont talk to me tomorrow....it will just piss me off even more....
that goes for friends, close friends, family, random people...etc.
dont wish me shit....or anything....
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Riding through palm trees,
"Little Bit" by lykke lye in his ears,
Fingers steady stroking the keys
Of his phone telling people to stop their fears.
"No I won't get a tattoo in florida"
I forgot to mention that they're 21 boys and 15 girls behind him,
To which he is 1/15 responsible for, for he is 1 of 15 coaches.
And he is one of the 7 male coaches wondering
"Why is the cheer squad here? They sucked this season".
Bus pulls up the Disney's field, and 21 teal clad youngmen....tattoo covered, and intimidating stares from most of them, step off the bus.
Along with 15 teal and orange loud ladies like "OMG, did you see that?!!?!?" From across the room loud.
Along with the the cheer coaches who I will decline to comment on..."Go Team"
And along with 6 football coaches, all tattooed atleast once, and arguing loud....with "Detroit Dolphins" on their chest.
Followed finally by a quiet kid, who thanked the driver, headphones on ears, with too much hair for the heat, half dreaded with a headband, with a fresh tattoo in his inner arm that the kids called him crazy for because they fail to understand what it means.......
Anyways, the team marches to the field, after a team photo, warms up, and prays
"God, let us win today, and let's us run good plays" (sounds like a bum prayer is if you ask me...but you didn't)
Detroit Dolphins vs The North Long Beach Panthers, with an iconic star player,
Iconic for talent, ironic because he's from detroit....I know right?
They played a hard fought game, and it went to the last play.
Clock rang 0:00 and Dolphins up by 2....
Everyone in teal, orange, and white was in the air like they flew....
Not far in the air...so it was a low budget flight....like an air strike....except that's high budget....anyways....
The cheer team was happy although they didn't place (told you, they sucked)
The cheer coaches actually congradulated the team....for once (still refuse to comment)
The 21 players all did the stanky leg, or jerk, or w/e (too old to keep up)
The 6 coaches all huddled in a picture with the league excs, and smiled wide,
And that weird stoic kid with the hair headband and tattoo, just turned to the bleachers....and weeped alittle bit. Don't know why....you'd have to ask him....
Day after, the team prepared back to Detroit....I realize why he cried....you'd do it too, if you had to bus back here