Night And Day.....

well, haven't done this in a while...something must be up, huh?

im packing for New Orleans, taking me a nice little trip to clear my head....
and while i pack for it, i cant help but feel....mad....mad at people....for no reason....
i dont see what good it is to be mad @ people, either....because they do usually let you down.
i mean its human nature right? people are just meant to disappoint other people, right?
people just let you down.....like a broken leg on a stool or something....
im not talking about anyone in particular. thats just it. no one has let me down recently. they have ignored me....but thats not letting someone down...thats just having a life, aint it?

i find myself constantly checking on people who i dont care for....or i know they probably dont really care for me.....i thought i had people...butttt....life hands you cards, and you might think you have the best hand.....and turns out yours is crap. i guess i'll use it like a shield...or something......i dont even know where i am going with this one.

i havent left my house (outside of school or work/practice) in the past 2 or 3 weeks. i know, i am pathetic. i just dont have much of a life anymore. i dont have a car, so i cant drive anywhere, i dont have friends @ a COMMUNITY college, so i wouldnt really have anyone to see. and the one person i might think i wanna see pays no head to me....unless she is bored..with that "you on campus" text? to which i painstakingly reply "you up for some eats?" i am a tough guy exterior with a nice guy demeanor, who acts like he wants to be alone but wants to surrounded with friends....or a girlfriend....a damn shame



^^^^
that song has been on repeat....hate on charles if you want....but this guy is my favorite musical artist. he knows he isnt the best. he parades around like he is...but he knows he isnt. he is the best he can be. he might be an asshole, and someone who is a bit messed up in the head...but arent we all?

i thought i had this girlfriend thing worked out....i would go after 1) 2) or 3)..... one is a black punk rockish....who from what i can tell will not date a black person...or atleast one of my characteristics....another is a white girl who tries to act tooooo black, and has self esteem problems, and treats me like a puppy.....the last is a 23 year old, who has the mind of a 14 year old...and it bothers me. her having a good time is "putting on a pink wig and walking around like they dont know its on".....the one i wouldnt mind is deeply educated, and bleeds the color of corn and ink. another i wanted (as in used to but dont really anymore) bleeds those rival colors and has a painful history of her own...in terms of men...but she isolates herself....and pains her self with her history.....the girl i want for real, is in Ohio....she's white....and acts very black too....and looks alil chubby...but with a sweet face....im a sucker.....

i'm gonna get rid of my facebook again....after this sunday...or monday....maybe till the end of the semester...my grades slipped...i almost failed a paper because i was so trying to find some friends......but i forgot these words "I once was a loser, now im older, still the same loser, thats why i look so different to ya, you see the past, i see the future...." i'm still gonna be a loner...no matter what i do....and i've come to realize that. "your a nice charming man" from a grandparent, or a cousin isnt going to help, espcailly when they tell you that as they hold their boyfriends hand and skip down the street, or as you spend the Xth straight day @ home....because no one wants to MAKE time for you. this isnt supposed to be a downer, if your reading this, like "your just trying to make yourself the victim" i'm not. victims dont try. i do try....and its like i open my mouth for people to just...shit in it.

i mean think about it. if i actually really had the friends that i thought i did, who wanted to try and see me, or something....i wouldnt be going to New Orleans for fun, wouldnt i? its halloween weekend...one of the ones you spend with friends....but instead i'll be in some expensive ass hotel...doing this for 3 days...when im not scouring the streets trying to cover my self in some ink that means only something to me....*shrug*

it just seems like all of this has to happen...like this:
My Social Life dwindles....
My Knee Gives Out....
My Grades Slip....
The Team takes alot of turbulance.....
i started to get out of shape....
i realize i am the failure of the family....

im growing dreads...i dont care what anyone says...im covering myself in ink....i wont live past 45....i know this....i will be single for life.....and im not ok with it...but im coming to grips with it....i might not be ugly, but if your not attractive...what are you?....when you can tell me that FF17@tmo.blackberry.net....email me....or text me...or call me....

i'm Done...
Tears......